Incandescent In The Darkest Night
by Clarkeyfangirl
Summary: Something I wrote in December/January about the time Christian was away. It's me trying to get into his mind as he tries to move on. It wasn't intended for publishing originally, really, so you'll have to take it for what it is. Read it if interested ;p!


**OK, I wasn't going to publish this, since it was written long ago, for the purpose of sorting my own head out about what was going on with them and not really for anyone else. But then I found it again and... well... You really should blame lovesy and Jenn ;p (I love you both really!). Thank you both so much. And thanks so much to WFCTGIO for the always interesting discussions that also inspired this.**

**This is set during the time Christian was away, it's my little attempt of getting into his head at this point.**

**The title and quote is borrowed from the song _Shining light_ by Ash. **

**No copyright infringement intended, characters belong to BBC and EastEnders.**

**So, here goes... *eeeek***

**c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s**

_You've always been a thorn in their side  
But to me you're a shining light  
You arrive and the night is alive  
Yeah, you are a shining light  
Yeah, you light up my life_

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

The sound of the zippers of my bags as I close them decidedly is strangely satisfying. As is the smell of cleanser, used a little too extensively. I walk around the room one more time to check. Yeah. Finally I'm done. I flump down on a chair at the table. Leaning back I hope this is it. I'm unbelievably tired, I want it to be over, quiet. Then my phone beeps and I can't help but look at it. It's only a text from Roxy. But it's enough to make it start again.

When? When will it shut up? I've tried so hard to block out the noise in my head, but I can't. I sit here, looking in front of me and I must have been sitting here for hours. I want activity, I need something, anything, but I can't hold myself together long enough to think of what it could be. So I sit. As I have sat before, and will be sitting again. I shiver slightly at the thought and pull my sweater tighter around me.

There's paper and pen in front of me, I should be doing... whatever, but I've only been scribbling mindlessly. I want the thoughts to go away, stop torturing me, but I don't know how. I've tried almost all the usual ways and none of them have worked, not for long, not in any way that matters. Instead I have a counter in my head, showing me exactly how long it's been.

It's been 13 days, 7 hours and 41 minutes. It's 3.30 in the morning and a few hours ago I accidentally saw his number in my phone. I can't delete it so I always know it's there, but tonight I _saw_ it. I couldn't even breathe. What could I do? What the fuck could I do? Cleaning up, packing, that's what, preparing to leave once more. As I do. I have to move on, I can't stand dwelling here anymore, just can't. My back is turned on the rest of the room, especially the bed that's mocking me. Mocking me with lack. Lack of comfort, lack of warmth, lack of rest. Lack of him. Mocking the thought that I could forget him, be whole without him in my life. Mocking the fact that he was a part of me and I'm not with him**. **That my body, my whole being craves him, craves everything he is, craves who I am when I'm with him. But I'm not. And every time I remember that I ache. I don't want to anymore, I need it to stop.

The worst thing is when I wake up in the mornings. For one fraction of a second I think everything's OK, as it should be. Every single morning. Then I open my eyes and realise that I'm here, alone, that nothing is OK and my heart stops. Every single morning.

I couldn't tell where the days have gone. They have just... passed, not really registering in my mind. At first I was so angry, angry with him, for not seeing, not noticing. The most important thing that has ever happened to either him or me, and I wasn't even a part of it. I knew all the complications, I lived them for so long, and I knew I couldn't be, but it hurt. And I was so angry for letting myself be drawn into it, ending up just where they wanted me, playing into their hands, holding all my vulnerabilities right out, to be preyed upon. How could I be so stupid? But I was, and he didn't see what happened, and that cost me the most wonderful thing I've ever had. The anger kept me going for a while, but not for long. Now keeping busy at all times is all I can do. In the days it does help.

At night, though, my eyes won't close. Not once have I slept through a whole night since I left. Not one moment passes when the voices in my head don't scream at me about what I've lost, when I don't feel it. I'd forgotten what it was like to be in this place. Now I can only remember and everything intertwines in my head, making it even worse.

It's so long ago but it's there, playing in front of my eyes. Rejected, by the ones I trusted, and no way was I ever going to get that hurt again. The solution? Keep away, keep distance. At all times. Try not to hear the ringing words in my ears telling me what I was. Nothing. Worthless. Because of who I am. And there I am again. I couldn't then and can't now let anyone see the way it got to me. Those were the rules. Don't let anyone in. Don't trust anyone but yourself. The only answer I had was that the whole world could just go and fuck itself for all I cared. I was going to live if it was the last thing I did. So I found the easiest way to get recognition and went with that. Anything else, anything that might disrupt the image was forgotten, deliberately. I was fine with that, always made sure I had fun and no one bothered to look closer, I would never let anyone. No one knew about the wall inside and no one knew about the other Christian, hiding behind it. The Christian longing for a hug from his Mum, the Christian desperate to be seen as something more. Something more than a bitchy laugh, a firm arse, muscly arms, a fuck. But no one did, not even me for a long time, and I didn't care that much, to be honest, not then. That's the way it was, for years that's how it was. My perfected show-to-the-world-face so firmly in place I almost forgot it, too busy living the life, never letting it slip. Not until him. He never bought it, saw through it, saw me. _I don't want to remember anymore_. It seems the rules still hold, and I thought that was over, I thought I wouldn't need them again, I thought… _Please, shut up_.

But there's no stopping, it's like punishing myself. I can't pinpoint the exact moment it started, I didn't notice at first. Didn't notice him getting past all the defences I took so much for granted, didn't notice how he saw through it and blurred the lines between the Christian I show and the Christian inside. He just did. And he was never fooled, he saw. Sooner than anyone else ever did he saw, and wouldn't let go of me, even when I tried to push him away. I was so hurt and angry but he made me feel worth something. Never before had anyone done that, never before had anyone cared like that. I'm not sure he knows how essential he is to me. I know he often thinks he needs me more than I need him and that I've done more for him than he has for me. It's not true. He doesn't really see what he has done for me, how much I need him.

Now… here I am. Again. In that place I never wanted to be. Again. Piece by piece I've tried to find anything to hold on to away from what I had with him, a way to get living again. I would say I'm healing but something inside me is not convinced. I ignore that.

Protecting what's left of me, that wall… it doesn't protect me from the thoughts, the memories. So many mistakes made, and even love couldn't stop that. It hurts so much because I never believed that love could overcome anything, I never really believed in love at all. Not for me. Only then, only with him had I started to believe. It was he who made everything seem possible, he was the one who gave purpose and value I'd never had before. But possible was an illusion. Love couldn't achieve everything, couldn't do the impossible, couldn't make all the pieces of the puzzles fit together.

Some things just don't fit together. No matter how much I loved, the force of it, that need, that connection, that part of his life more than ever pushed me away. He didn't mean it to, but it did. It's there, the life he's expected to lead, all the acceptance and support he'd ever wished for, ever needed. Finally it's there. And I know he needs it because I know he doesn't see himself the way he should. He's never been very sure of himself, but I wish he could watch himself being a father, watch himself as he thinks of his daughter. I have seen him with Yasmin about two times, but even as he thinks of her, I've seen him glow with a love so deep, so instant and so sprung from the very core of him that it takes my breath away. He's never been more beautiful, he... shines. He even carries himself differently, more confidently even through the insecurities and uncertainties. I can't even imagine a love like that, only dream of it. And every day I knew how appropriate it would be, what they all want, how it should be. Day after day after day of seeing it, feeling it, knowing it. How much easier it would be, how much more suitable it would be, how much better everything would be if I wasn't there.

What can I do or say to match what is being offered? Belonging, connection, acceptance finally coming from them. What I can't ever give him, what I can never be in their eyes. Family. Despite what they think I know what that means, what they all mean. And I have never wanted to take that away from him. I just wish there was a way I could have a place there too. But I can't.

It's not like I ever thought that they'd suddenly accept me, accept me being with him. That will never happen, no matter how much he hopes for it. I've seen it, I've heard it. I know. It's so obvious that I am the intruder that disturbs the delicate leverage forming between them, the one ruining the picture. It doesn't have to be said out loud, I can still hear it. I know I am impatient, I know I have pushed too much at times but I knew... All I'd be left with is this loathing, this constant reminder of me being the bad one, being what's wrong, being what ought not to be there and I am tired of it. So, so tired. I have nothing to fight with, no energy anymore, I can do nothing. I wanted to scream, but what could I possibly say? I should have talked with him, said all the things that needed to be said. Of course I should. But how? When I tried… It didn't work and I didn't know how to do it anymore, how to say it, how to get through. All walls everywhere, trapping me, keeping me out. And how do I put it into words? How can I say how excluded I am when it's about his child? How can I tell him how I'm being pushed, deliberately, further and further away from him when it's supposed to be all about Yasmin, his daughter… His beautiful daughter who I will never be allowed to hold, who I'd have no right holding, who will be yanked out of my arms and I'd not be able to do anything about it. How can I say anything that won't make me into the selfish bastard they all already think I am?

All my flaws came to the surface, all my defense mechanisms, and I tried to fight them, fight all the thoughts, all the fears. But I could do nothing, I had no rights at all and that's when I felt the cracks. They widened with the thought that his need for me will never be as undivided as my need for him. It is as it should be, I guess, but it almost broke me. And I crumbled as I was pushed out of the life I thought we both had dreamed of and no one even noticed. It hurt so much and I could do nothing. So I did all the wrong things.

Then, for a short while, it felt like I could rise above all fears. I could see them for what they were and start letting them go, but they had taken more than I realised. I thought I was stronger by then. Stronger because of Roxy pointing out the direction, being real, putting the perspective in, stronger because at last there was something I could actually do and stronger because of his love. But then life turned to chaos, so quickly… My world shaking with disgusting accusations taken for truth… I only remember feeling sick, the flash of pure anger and a punch. I never ever thought I could do that and I honestly felt like I was going insane. Crashing sound of glass breaking… our home, shattered to pieces… I could literally feel the world spinning, having nothing to hold on to except him. And I fell.

I know he didn't mean everything he said, I know he knows that I didn't. I hate that I reacted like that, that I let all the hurt and frustrations out at him, but there was truth in it too. From both sides. Once again I was found lacking, once again the irresponsible idiot I am in their eyes but never used to be in his. It was as if he interpreted everything just like someone thinking _that_ way of me would, not like himself, as if I never think of anyone else, of him. They are all so important to him, and it was as if he didn't trust me to see that, as if I hadn't tried to show him that, always, and especially this whole month while my life was turned upside down almost as much as his. It was as if I haven't always wanted that for him. I know I failed, pushed, was selfish... but I tried. In this flash I saw how completely alone I'd be, I saw the place I'd never be allowed into, the gap that would always be there. I had been so fucking stupid to think that love could pass all the obstacles, think that love could make them somehow go away.

So in the end it couldn't. Love couldn't stop everything else pushing him and me apart. Love couldn't stop the preying on the weaknesses and I couldn't make this go away. I was the most stupid person in the world to think I could fight it, I never could. Feeling myself slip away from him was… unbearable. It was going to be made into a choice and I can't watch him leave, I can't. Maybe, probably, I was weak, but I left instead. Clearly I had no place there and I had to let him do what he needed. But I couldn't watch him do it.

The next train of thought hits me and I gasp for breath as it does. It's over. It's actually over. Words echo over and over again in my head but I can't fathom them. They seem so wrong, they make him seem so far away. He thinks I'm not there, he thinks I'm gone. But I'm always there, every single second I'm there. And yet I'm not, yet I can't be.

I should have called him. I still want to, there's nothing I want more than to hear his voice. So many times I've tried, pressed all the buttons but the last. I know I couldn't cope if I did though. How could I when I know the mere sound of him is going to cut my heart into a million pieces. And his. And neither him nor me can afford that. There's too much in the way, too much at stake, it's not possible.

Like I need a call to remind me. Like I don't constantly see his eyes before me as he stood there. Like I don't feel him. Like I don't feel myself dissolving without him near me. No, not this, not again. Deep breaths, stay calm. I don't want to listen to the voice telling me this is wrong, that I shouldn't flee, that nothing will change if I do. Every other part of me is telling me to run as fast as I can as far away as I can manage, everything else is screaming at me to just go. And to that I listen.

Enough, it's time, I have to go, get away from anything that can remind me. I'm not thinking about it anymore, I'm not. Really. I look at my packed bags and my heart contracts, but I push that away. I have to survive. It's what I do.

I put pen to paper and try to start writing. I have no idea what to say and I'm not sure he'll ever read this, but maybe I can get it out of my head once and for all and then it'll be calm and quiet again. Deep breath, shoulders back, head up… One more try before the lights are out.

_I know I hurt you when I left and I am sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. It's true what I said then, I love you, more than you know. Always. But sometimes that's not enough. _

_I know you must feel like you don't matter, like you're not enough, like you must have done something horrible, but that's not true either. I was the one never going to be enough._

_I know… _

**c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s**

**Thank you so much for reading. I know it's depressing and all, but I'm thinking of following the boys on the path that eventually brings them where they need to be. Maybe. Sometime. If you'd like me to.**


End file.
